It’s personal

I find myself unable to sleep tonight, for reasons I can’t explain. I’ll try, however.

My whole life is coming together in a nice bundle that I can easily manage. School is going great, I’m tutoring public speaking in the fall, I’m TA-ing for a class in the spring, my apartment is coming together, family stuff is getting in order, I’m moving closer to a healthier me, and finally both of my jobs are going very well.  I’m advancing in ways I never knew I could. I’m building a stronger future for myself academically, professionally, and I’m building a stronger me.  I can finally see my whole future ahead of me and while that is slightly terrifying that I am growing up so fast, it is simultaneously exciting to see all the places I can go and all the people I can be laid out in front of me. Yesterday it feels like I was just walking across the stage to grab my high school diploma and today I find myself studying for the GRE and discussing grad schools with my professors. I am unbelievably proud of the person I have become, because seeing who I was as a freshmen or even a senior in high school compared to the person I am now, well let’s just say it is hard to see the similarities.

However, there are a few loose strings that I am still trying to gather, and it is one in particular that I find crossing my mind tonight making me restless. One person to be exact. One person in my whole world that is keeping me from getting a good nights rest before a long day of work. One person that I find myself unable to speak to for reasons I’ll leave up to your imagination. So how do I resolve a situation with a person that I am unable to speak to? How do I move on with my life without knowing what they are thinking? Everyday I see reminders of them. Sometimes, rarely, I’ll go a whole day without thinking of them and then suddenly. . . BAM! There they are scratching their way to the front of my focus. I feel a little lost when it comes to them. I honestly don’t know how I would act or what I would say even if I could talk to them. I wish I could forget they existed. I wish I could erase the time we had spent together, and erase the memories I have of them. Is that harsh? Probably, but this is not the first night I have found myself unable to sleep because of them. This is not the first night I have laid staring at the ceiling wondering about them. I am typically grateful for the people who come into my life, even if they leave under not so pleasant circumstances, because I can learn something from each person and each situation. I can build upon each relationship. Yet with this person I had found myself for several years not advancing, not retreating, just standing still. There was no growth, no deeper understanding of one another. If anything I am more confused than ever.

I don’t know what to do, and me being such an organized person that likes to keep her life in some kind of order, is having a hard time adjusting to this lack of communication thing. Communication is the foundation to resolve any conflict, to resolve any issue. But I just can’t speak to them. I can’t say what I really feel, which is a problem because I am a person who has a lot of feelings that I need to get out. I thought in the past that not talking, not communicating would help me heal and help me move on, but here I am awake at 4 AM confused and unsure about the situation. A situation I have to deal with on my own and on my own time. Ugh, maybe I’ll try to go to sleep again. Must be awake in two hours.

Maybe something will come to me in a dream.

Goodnight or Good morning wherever you are. Live well, and be kind.